What Community Has Taught me About Meeting People With What They Need

Building a community broadens your scope of responsibility.

You don’t realize it until it happens but there’s a visceral realization of “It’s not about me”—it’s felt at deeper level, not just intellectualized.

Running communities has helped me start to:

• be more empathetic & patient with others

• not need to be liked by everyone all the time

I think these lessons are applicable beyond just community building because in some sense, everyone is in some form of a community.

We’re social creatures so it’s hard to run away from.

So let’s not run from it—let’s embrace the learnings and see how they can help us grow.

The Empathetic Double Take

I don’t know how else to describe this so I named it based on the general pattern it follows:

1. Easy Empathy

First you have what you think is empathy for others—this is when they aren’t contradicting you on any core beliefs, forms of identity, etc.

It’s easy to have empathy with others when we are in harmony with one another.

2. The Sacred Cow is Attacked

Then comes a point of friction where someone else is going against some assumption you have about yourself, the world or other.

It has been threatened and you can’t believe this!

3. Digging Deeper

Then comes the real work…

You sit back, you’ve let out your frustration at the world—”how could they act this way!”

And then the dust settles and what’s this? Clarity.

You can look back and realize other people come from their own meandering life path of experiences, beliefs and ideas that inform their own world view.

And just like yourself, they want to be seen and heard.

This is where you can realize that most of the time, it’s not really about a specific issue.

It's simply another human calling out to be seen and understood—and that’s something you can learn to do by opening your heart up to others regardless of what they say or do.

This doesn’t mean agree or roll over and die for other people—you need strong boundaries. But closing your heart off will do you more harm than good.

And the cool part is when you keep your heart open to the world, the pain you feel when someone or something hurts you will force you to set strong boundaries.

Shedding the False Self for the True Self

Another interesting observation I’ve made is that the criticism makes you stronger.

You are challenged on:

• how you’re running things (or how you aren’t)

• the direction of the community

• your commitment to the community

and more.

But through this process, the white fire of challenge purifies your soul.

If you resist these challenges, you will feel pain.

If you open up to them.

If you are curious about them and why they feel like challenges to you.

You will grow.

Ask Yourself: “Why does something bother me?”

This will help you understand where your deeper problems lie—where the tenderness can be poked at from the outside.

These are clues to deeper feelings that you can tap into.

Instead of blaming the external for the feeling, get curious about what the feeling means and what it’s trying to say.

Welcome Your Emotions Like Travelers

Rumi gives us a great way to think about emotions from his poem “The Guest House”

This is how we can approach our emotions—even the “negative” ones.

Letting go of the resistance you have to feelings like anger, fear, anxiety, or sadness lets you be curious and hear what they have to say to you.

I say this in relation to what I mentioned above about criticism.

Don’t repress any negative emotions (don’t let them out at others either).

Just feel them through and you will find more clarity, joy and peace afterwards.

Closing Thoughts

Building and nurturing a community is more than just bringing people together…

It's a journey of personal growth and self-discovery.

Working in service of others has helped me grow more in the past couple of years than I would have ever thought possible.

It’s taught me to embrace empathy, face my vulnerabilities, and welcome the full spectrum of our emotions.

I’m not all the way there yet, but I wanted to share what I’ve learned so far because I believe these lessons go far beyond community management—they touch every aspect of our lives.

By approaching challenges with curiosity and openness, you not only become better community leaders but also more compassionate and self-aware individuals.

Remember, every interaction is an opportunity to learn, grow, and connect more deeply with ourselves and others.

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